Sunday, February 05, 2006


It seems as if the news and every other thing on TV has me thinking like my parents thought and their parents thought about the rapidly escalating stupidity of the world. But this tops all. Last week there was a dieting ad on TV that promised a 30 pound weight reduction before Valentine’s Day if customers registered “Today” (that would have been Feb 1st).

Now how stupid would it be for me to wake up on ‘Chocolate Indulgence Day’ thirty pounds lighter? For what common-sense reason? To prove how easy it is to put it back on. Is that what?

Sure I want to lose 30 pounds but I don’t want to wake up on Valentine’s day 30 pounds lighter and feel obliged, because of it, to eat raw carrots and celery sticks rather than stuff myself with delicious chocolates of every size, shape, and variety. Valentine’s Day is about chocolates, isn’t it? Isn’t it about taking chocolates and slamming them around my waist? And I don’t mean stuffing unwrapped boxes in my underpants either.

I mean eating them. All of them. And then sitting back on the couch and letting the anandamide, serotonin, endorphins, caffeine, sugar, and calories do their work? And because researchers speculate that the feel-good magic of chocolates has to do with a combination of the ingredients and chemical reactions in the body, it is necessary and fitting to take this into account. They know chocolate works, they just don’t fully understand how.

They speculate that the visual form and caffeine have a part to play. Creaminess and Crunch have a part to play. Bitterness and sweetness have a part to play. Sight and smell have a part to play. And it is this combination that brings on the magical episode of the feel-good, happy dance, sweet romance of another Valentine’s Day.

So pass me the fruit fondants, truffles, hazelnut clusters, almond roccas, saffron fudge, ginger butters, mints, orange cremes, and cherry cordials and those two other boxes of variety chocolates as well. No one gave me, or seems certain, of the exact proportion of ingredients needed to attain the ultimate feel-good counteraction but I plan to eventually get there. It is simply a matter of rapid, methodical and unceasing munching and crunching until I am happy, happy, happy.

And I expect a glance in a full-length mirror three weeks from now will re-affirm whether I was as happy on Valentine’s Day as I wanted to be. Maybe I better jot down the details of that stupid diet plan.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can you imagine the state of your health if you lost THIRTY POUNDS in 13 days?? You'd be so sick, and LOOK so sick that you couldn't enjoy the day. Ridiculous!

I'm with you. The day was just made to enjoy chocolate. We can all diet for the last two weeks of the month.


6:04 PM  
Blogger Roberta said...

Buffy, first of all I have to say you are much quicker than Oprah. And secondly I know this post sounds like a "memoire" but it is not. And thirdly, I lied, it was not 30 pounds, it was 15.

But please, please, don't tell Oprah. I don't want to have to defend the poetic license that I occasionally use when writing. I don't want to be exposed before an entire nation and ripped into a million pieces.

But all that aside, thanks for commenting and you are so right. 30 pounds would mean sick, and truthfully I think 15 pounds wouldn't be too good either.

8:44 AM  

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