Tuesday, May 31, 2005


This morning I was so excited. At long last I was ready to assemble the parts and patent my totally new, long-awaited invention. The design was finished some time ago, the blueprint was in place, I have all the component parts so what’s to stop me from finally going ahead with assembling and patenting the thing?

It is something everyone in this old world wants and needs – a "skull-pull". (Think about it. You do so know what a skull-pull is). But I had no sooner prepared a working space at the kitchen table, and found the necessary tools when I realized it couldn’t be done. I could not make my skull-pull. I still think my design will function well and will be in huge demand, but still I cannot assemble it, patent it, or market it. And the worst part of it is the thing that is blocking my progress is something quite unrelated to the fashioning of the finished product. The impediment is too much religion and too many Gods.

An army of tyrannical Gods that interfere in every bloody thing I try to do. For instance, insofar as my skull-pull is concerned, the laws of the God of Physics say the fulcrum will fail, the laws of the God of Math say the ratio will fail, the laws of the God of Friction say the thrust will fail, and the laws of the God of Relativity say the concept will fail. So there isn’t much point in continuing, is there? And that is just a few of the Gods that stand in my way.

It’s true, you know. Our current society has a wealth of Gods and every day more Gods descend from the Mount with their tablets of law and commandments of "absolute truth". And although, my best wish for today was to provide you with a skull-pull, my religious beliefs in all these Gods forbid my doing so. The Gods say it can’t be done and that is pretty much the end of it. I can’t gaily go ahead and disregard the commandments of the Gods. It would be utter heresy for me to try. Suicidal for me to risk the anger and thorny judgement of so many Gods.

Now in a simpler time, I had only one god – a Creator God. That God gave me relative freedom. His laws encouraged original thoughts and self-reliance. In the climate of only one God, I could, and would, continue to assemble the components for a skull-pull without conscience, remorse, guilt, or sin, and no doubt, in the end, it would efficiently do the work a skull-pull is expected to do. With less religion, without all these Gods, there would be a truckload of skull-pulls on their way to Wal-Mart before nightfall.

But since my invention is stalled, let’s go back to the Gods for just a moment. In truth, the one I am most skeptical about, call it agnosticism if you like, is the God of Freedom. He guarantees that we are free. I’m not sure that is true. I think he might be a false God. I tend to think we are a thoroughly depressed society under iron rule. Can this be freedom when our thoughts, emotions, and my plans for a skull-pull are ruled and guarded by an army of Gods? More Gods ruling my choices than even the heathen gods of the early Greeks and Romans.

Now let us, for a moment, examine some other Gods. You know about the Relationship God and his commandments. Thou must give flowers, take out to dinner, remember anniversaries, etc. (You know the rest – we are all familiar with this God.) So as converts, when our mate buys flowers, takes us out to dinner, helps with housework, and displays appropriate sensitivity, we know our relationship is as good as it gets. Better than most. We think this way because innately we know, with a satisfied grin, that our mate is religiously following the laws of the Relationship God.

And then there’s the Friendship God who defines friends as individuals that visit often, call, send cards, and give dishonest, but positive opinions, about how we look in our new dress, new do, etc. So the ones that don’t visit often, don’t call, don’t send cards, or the ones that are too honest, must be culled. They do not meet the demands of friendship that the God of Friendship demands.

And then there is the Sexuality God. His laws tell us we might be mistaken if we think we are Heterosexual. His laws tell us we need to form satisfying relationships that will accord us wealth, eternal security, and unending passion. His laws tell us we need to engage in sex in 308 positions. The Sexuality God tells us we must honor his laws to gain entry to Sexual Paradise. His hell is a Sexless Pit that doesn’t even allow missionaries their standard position.

So now we come to the truly amazing part of these observations. All of these Gods, like the old-fashioned Creator God are soundless, sightless, and invisible spirits that do not manifest their presence in a physical way. So what is truly amazing to me is that most of the fanatically religious zealots of these many Gods, are atheists of the Creator God.

As for me, I have decided to become an atheist of these many Gods, and stick to the Creator God. And with the freedom my Creator God allows, I’ve just created and given you the skull-pull that I promised.

P.S. Any consumer complaints?


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