# 78 MY BIG FEAR

I’ve often thought of telling you my fear but always I hesitate. I begin to think –‘best not’. Some things are better left alone. And if this fear is so rational to me it might be rational to others. That could create needless fear for others and I don’t want to create fear.

But still I long to discuss fear because it is never discussed—at least not by regular people. Granted ‘fear’ is discussed by politicians in order to win elections. You may have noticed that this is their favored approach. But in normal conversations, fear is seldom discussed. And perhaps that is because it takes a brave soul to talk about what they most fear. But today I am going to talk about my big fear.

Now first off, I am not superstitious. At least I don’t think I am. I don’t fear the dark, spirit creatures, black cats, or walking under ladders. But still I have fear. But if you are superstitious, if you live in fear and the fear of discussing your fear, please go and read another blog. This one is not for you.

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So now that my two loyal readers have left, I want to get on with discussion of my fear.

My fear, the fear that has been resident in my mind since I was a very young child is something that I refer to as ‘the evil eye’. I honestly don’t know who introduced me to this fear or if perhaps I was born with it. I have no idea where it stems from or how it came to be named ‘the evil eye’. But nevertheless it has been there in my mind for as far back as I can remember.

Maybe the ‘evil eye’ is a primordial concept that has existed in all human species since the beginning of time. Maybe it is part of our original DNA. After all it was common in every ancient culture, although the concept of its work and presence may have been widely diverse. And its nomenclature may have also been different. Instead of ‘evil eye’ maybe a sun god, or moon god, or white-eyed fish. Who knows? But the Egyptians feared it, the Aztecs feared it, the Incas feared it, African tribes fear it. It is a common fear. But in the same way that species have evolved through time this primitive fear has evolved. But despite its evolutionary changes, I harbor that same fear, though granted, it is within a different context then that of early civilizations.

But prior to any knowledge of ancient cultures and their fear, within my own mind, the ‘evil eye’ has existed. And my perception has always been that it is an unseen force that starts hanging out and closing in when life is too good. When the stars and planets are all lined up. When I get the raise, the promotion, the accolades, the applause, and a sense of total comfort and security. When life is as good as life can get. That’s when I sense the ‘evil eye’ is headed my way. And when it strikes, it will shake my wonderful world and turn it upside-down. Shred my dreams and rip my heart to shreds.

But at the same time, with life being so unfair, what should I fear? After all, life is not flat, it is multi-layered. And when things in one area are the best, there is always some other thing bubbling in one of those layers that causes misery or painful anxiety. So, more often than not, the ‘evil eye’ belief brings comfort rather than fear. Because although things in one area of life couldn’t be better, I am grateful that in the midst of this gay roller-coaster ride I still have those moments when I feel lonely, discouraged, and unappreciated. A sad bit of business, but it has its advantages. The advantage is I can sail through another day, another week, another year, with an unshakable confidence that the ‘evil eye’ is distant and impotent. With no reason to hang out. With no work, or nothing to attend to in my environment.

So being unlucky is not so bad. Not winning the lottery is good. No one reading my blog – that’s okay too. Comforting in a weird way. And it is also good that I’ve finally told you the thing I fear. That’s comforting as well.